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My life with depression

Unfortunately, depression has been in my family for generations. My mom gave it to me and I passed it down to Tyler, my oldest son. I have been fighting it since I tried to kill myself when I was 17. I regret every day trying to do that and thank God I wasn’t successful. But it has not been an easy road trying to function with it.

When I was young and naive I didnt know about medications to help, or therapy. And if I did I didnt have the money to pay for it. So I turned to sex and lying to help deal with all the feelings I was having. At 17, not the best decision amd I became pregnant with Tyler while a senior in High School. He is the greatest gift I have ever been given, however not under the best circumstances. 

After Tyler was born, I continued down my destructive path, being with men who were no good for me and I ended up marrying one of them. He stayed at home while I worked, would rape me in the middle of the night, used drugs, and was a terrible human being. But I felt so worthless that I felt I had no other choice. 

In that marriage I had my youngest son Jordan amd 11 months later I gave birth to my daughter Aryssa. She was born on July 7th 2005 and died November 14, 2005. The coroner ruled it SIDS, but I know it was my ex husbands fault. I had worked all day long amd had been up with her the first part of the night. So I woke him up to sit with her so I could sleep. Well, he took some pills and put her on his lap. She emded up rolling in between his leg and the side of the recliner and suffocated. That day will forever be etched in my mind. So that only added more fuel to my depression and added PTSD to the mix.

Eventually I left him because I knew it was his fault and I started saying Jon. Which was one,of the best decisions I ever made. It was a very rough beginning for us and I didn’t know if we would make it, but here we are 11 years later and everyday I am so grateful for him. 

So through the 11 years my depression became memory loss, days where I couldn’t get out of bed, sever mood swings and self loathing. Because of,the PTSD I have a hard time remembering things, like when my boys first started walking, or got their first tooth, etc. And that makes me,feel like the worst mom ever. I mean how,do you explain that to a kid? But I gave them all the love I had. But there are days when they wanted to go to the park, or for a walk and I just couldnt get myself up to take them. So my depression not only affects me, but my kids as well. 

As the years went by, I managed to keep a steady job and was able to see a doctor to help me and we tried medicine for,the first time. I started on Zoloft and it helped for a while, but then I would forget to take it and so it was useless. I tried therapists and doctors, but I could never find the ‘right’ one. Which was all in my head. So I kept going and for a while I did really well. I put myself through school while being a mom and working full time. 

I was able to,find a job right out of school and have been there ever since. But the depression was still there. So I linked really hard for a good doctor. I found one and she has been a blessing. She helped me find the right balance of medication plus encourages me to exercise and take time for myself. 

I also see a therapist now, which helps a lot. It is so nice to have someone who i can tell everything to and they give me pointers to help. I am on 2 antidepressants and see a therapist biweekly and do Zumba weekly. But that doesnt mean my depression doesn’t still hang around. Its there, but those things make it so much easier to deal with, they are tools. I also have to have faith in myself and want to work through it. I have my bad days, but so does everyone. We are human.

So I want you to know that there is help out there. There are people who care, and you are worth it! Reach out to someone, anyone, even me and it will help. 

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In preperation of a Conert

This Sunday Jon and I are going to see Pop Evil at Bogarts. We love seeing them live, but we have never been to Bogarts. So its the Friday before and my mind is going crazy over the things to do to make this a great concert. I hope I’m not the only person in the world to do this lol… 

So I start by thinking about the venue. We have never been to Bogarts, just bigger arenas and places like Riverbend. So now I look online at the website and pictures to get a feel of what it will be like. After I get a good idea, I start thinking about my outfit. Do I wear jeans and a band T-shirt, or do I pick out a cute LulaRoe outfit, or do I try to wear my high heel boots.. The options are endless. But then I have to think about comfort. It will be hot and sweaty with so many people jumping and singing and dancing in a small area. Plus we will be on our feet for hours. So that helps narrow down this options. 

Then I go through my Pop Evil music and listen to it for 2 days straight so I can be cool and know all the words to all the songs. I know a good portion of their songs, but I want to be able,to sing with all of them. It helps me enjoy the show a little more when I know all the songs.

Lastly, I make sure I have plenty of space for pictures. Since my memory is terrible, I take tons of pictures. Plus you know most of,us are always looking for that one picture we take that we can’t wait to share with the rest of the world. So here is hoping this weekend is a killer concert đŸ™‚

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For the Love of Music

I love music, it brings me such peace and happiness. If I am having a bad day, it lifts my mood and makes me want to shake my hips.. It helps motivate me at the gym or when going for a walk. I can lose myself in it and not think about things. 

My favorite band of all time is Avenged Sevenfold. I fell in love with the quite a few years ago when I first heard the song ‘Nightmare’. Somedays I can just honestly relate to the song and feel like its a f*cking nightmare. Jon and I also sing along to it with our awesome singing voices (j/k). I love the sound of their music, including the new album The Stage. And we have seen them live quite a few times as well. Watching Synyster Gates is one of the most fun times I have had with Jon. Listening to the guitars and drums, all their music is just so well put together. 

I love going to live shows and concerts. I have seen so many bands. Some of my favorites are Like a Storm, Pop Evil, Breaking Benjamin, Theory of a Deadman, and Three Days Grace. I am so enthralled with watching the artists perform. Watching the drummer put so much energy into their drums, and the guitarists moving all around, jumping off risers, playing to the crowd and loving what they are doing. And the singers who put their heart and souls into every word, every lyric, every song. 

My message is to all artists or performers who might be struggling. Keep going, keep up your passion, keep doing what you love. Just because 1 person or a group of people don’t like what you, doesn’t mean no body else will… Do what you love and to hell to those people who try to bring you down. 

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Angry Mom

Some days, like today I get really really pissed. My kids are failing classes because they are too lazy to do their work. They know the material, but are honestly failing because of not doing classwork/homework. And that really pisses me off. I take the extra time and especially the teachers take the extra time to work with my boys, and its like they say f*ck you to all of us. Tyler has a 504 plan, and the equivalent of 2 study halls, and is still failing. Jordan would rather have a box in his face. And that makes me almost as mad. Serioulsy… I have really reached my limit. I mean I can only yell and scream amd threaten so much. And again, they don’t care. 

I am also sick,to death of lazy people. I mean is it really that hard to fold your own clothes or do something other than worry about yourself. All my mom does is sit and smoke and read books. Everyone has to wait on her hand and foot even though she went through months of physical therapy. I mean come on, we are tired of doing everything for you. So this post goes out to all of us who are overwhelmed and frustrated. Tomorrow is another day and can hopefully only be better than today. I am here, in the same boat as you, and I feel your frustration!

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Zumba Inspiration

So today is Monday, which means Zumba night!! I went to my first Zumba class about 2 months ago with my brother Jeff and fell in love. Every Monday night from 7 to 8 is my time. I’m not a mom, or lover or sister or daughter. I am a woman with no rhythm just dancing to fun, upbeat songs. I would recommend this, or another group fitness class to anyone. I suffer from severe depression, anxiety, PTSD, and PCOS. I am overweight and very self conscious. But this class helps boost my mood and my energy all while helping me,towards my weight loss goal. 

I have absolutely no rhythm and my dancing skills are atrocious. But over the last 8 weeks that is slowly improving and so is my stamina. My body doesn’t hurt as bad as it used to and I am learning a lot of the steps. The instructor makes the class very upbeat and fun. It is the highlight of my week. 

My goal is to let you know that you are worth it! Go to a class, meet new people, and shake your hips to some fun music. I can guarantee that you will feel better!

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First blog post

My name is Stephanie Austin and I am a single mom of 2 teenage boys. I am writing this blog to share the anecdotes of being a mom, recipes, and all my journeys in the world of rock concerts. My oldest son is Tyler and he loves everything band, and therefore i a devoted band mom. Jordan, my youngest, is a football player and loves everything sports. So during football season I am a devoted football mom. I am also the parent of a deceased child. Her name is Aryssa and she was the most beautiful baby girl. She was born July 7th, 2005 and passed away November 11th, 2005 from SIDS. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. I also love everything rock music. My boyfriend Jon and I got to Rock on the Range every year, plus many concerts in between. So stay tuned for the many adventures of my life…