Unfortunately, depression has been in my family for generations. My mom gave it to me and I passed it down to Tyler, my oldest son. I have been fighting it since I tried to kill myself when I was 17. I regret every day trying to do that and thank God I wasn’t successful. But it has not been an easy road trying to function with it.
When I was young and naive I didnt know about medications to help, or therapy. And if I did I didnt have the money to pay for it. So I turned to sex and lying to help deal with all the feelings I was having. At 17, not the best decision amd I became pregnant with Tyler while a senior in High School. He is the greatest gift I have ever been given, however not under the best circumstances.
After Tyler was born, I continued down my destructive path, being with men who were no good for me and I ended up marrying one of them. He stayed at home while I worked, would rape me in the middle of the night, used drugs, and was a terrible human being. But I felt so worthless that I felt I had no other choice.
In that marriage I had my youngest son Jordan amd 11 months later I gave birth to my daughter Aryssa. She was born on July 7th 2005 and died November 14, 2005. The coroner ruled it SIDS, but I know it was my ex husbands fault. I had worked all day long amd had been up with her the first part of the night. So I woke him up to sit with her so I could sleep. Well, he took some pills and put her on his lap. She emded up rolling in between his leg and the side of the recliner and suffocated. That day will forever be etched in my mind. So that only added more fuel to my depression and added PTSD to the mix.
Eventually I left him because I knew it was his fault and I started saying Jon. Which was one,of the best decisions I ever made. It was a very rough beginning for us and I didn’t know if we would make it, but here we are 11 years later and everyday I am so grateful for him.
So through the 11 years my depression became memory loss, days where I couldn’t get out of bed, sever mood swings and self loathing. Because of,the PTSD I have a hard time remembering things, like when my boys first started walking, or got their first tooth, etc. And that makes me,feel like the worst mom ever. I mean how,do you explain that to a kid? But I gave them all the love I had. But there are days when they wanted to go to the park, or for a walk and I just couldnt get myself up to take them. So my depression not only affects me, but my kids as well.
As the years went by, I managed to keep a steady job and was able to see a doctor to help me and we tried medicine for,the first time. I started on Zoloft and it helped for a while, but then I would forget to take it and so it was useless. I tried therapists and doctors, but I could never find the ‘right’ one. Which was all in my head. So I kept going and for a while I did really well. I put myself through school while being a mom and working full time.
I was able to,find a job right out of school and have been there ever since. But the depression was still there. So I linked really hard for a good doctor. I found one and she has been a blessing. She helped me find the right balance of medication plus encourages me to exercise and take time for myself.
I also see a therapist now, which helps a lot. It is so nice to have someone who i can tell everything to and they give me pointers to help. I am on 2 antidepressants and see a therapist biweekly and do Zumba weekly. But that doesnt mean my depression doesn’t still hang around. Its there, but those things make it so much easier to deal with, they are tools. I also have to have faith in myself and want to work through it. I have my bad days, but so does everyone. We are human.
So I want you to know that there is help out there. There are people who care, and you are worth it! Reach out to someone, anyone, even me and it will help.